Today I wanted to share a freeform poem I wrote based off of a person I met at church. I always enjoy hearing people’s stories, and this person had an interesting tattoo to go with their story. It was one of those things that are just begging to be written.
Something I’ve been thinking about lately is a personal battle of mine. I’m sure that many of you feel this struggle I’m about to describe, but even if you don’t, it still can be applicable.
I’m good at borrowing guilt, or “borrowing depravity”. I will feel guilty about things I have never done (and things I would never want to do) simply because I feel the need to wallow. Simply because I think if I’m not reminded of my own depravity, I might get an ego. Because I feel the need to wallow in my own sinfulness instead of His righteousness. If you’re nodding your head right now in understanding, let me tell you something.
That’s the Devil talking. Not God.
I like to remind myself that I’m not enough (more on this concept in a bit). Maybe I think that’s humility. Beating yourself up is humility, right?
So what, if I’m not enough? So what, if I fail expectations and fall on my face now and again? Reminding myself of that does not make me humble. It might not even be fully true.
Humility is defined as follows:
a modest or low view of one’s own importance; humbleness.
A modest view of my own importance is not focusing on what a horrible person I could potentially be. In fact, that’s the opposite of humility; what I’m doing in focusing on my errors and shortcomings and potential for wickedness is focusing again, upon myself. That’s not a modest view of how important I am, now is it? The world doesn’t revolve around us, it doesn’t revolve around me.
I know this, but it always manages to give me a shock when I’m reminded of it.
Going back to the “I’m not enough” statement now. Which is absurd. I’m not enough for God, most definitely. But when has he ever required me to be enough? This is the God that loved me when I was drowning in my own sin. This is the God who did not just drag me out of that hell, but the God who died the most excruciating death just so I would never have to feel my own sin coating my throat ever again.
So yea, I’m not enough.
Yea, I’m human. Yea, I mess up. I’m not ever going to be enough, I’m not ever going to succeed at everything, I’m not ever going to be right all the time. And I’ll be honest, that thought scares me, when I really let it sink in.
But here’s the flip side of that.
Jesus is/was/will be enough. Jesus already succeeded at everything; even defeating death, which strikes fear into all that meet it. Jesus will always be right.
So yea, I write to you now as a messy teenager, confused by the struggles in her head and knowing without a doubt that I’m not enough. I worry too much, I don’t know all the answers but I act like I know them and I get too heated about little things. I’m not enough.
And that’s more than ok.
Actually, that’s the greatest thing ever. I’m not enough, so He became enough. I wasn’t enough, so instead of leaving me there, in my not enough state, He hugged me close and informed me that the burden was no longer mine to bear.
So if you find yourself being reminded that you’re not enough, look that straight in the face and tell it yes with a smirk. You aren’t enough. But you aren’t meant to stay there, staring into the mirror and crying.
That has no power over you anymore.
Jesus doesn’t want you to stay there, looking at your hands and seeing how small and frail they are; too fragile to hold the weight they should be carrying.
He wants you to look at his hands, scarred and calloused. He wants you to see his wrists, where your burden found its final rest.
My friends, we are not meant to stay staring our depravity in the face. We were meant to defeat it. We were meant, you were meant to move past it, to refuse it any ground.
So if you find yourself trying to borrow guilt or depravity because you feel the need to remind yourself of your depravity, remember that Jesus is enough.
He doesn’t want you walking around with your head down and shoulders hunched, so why are you doing it, my friend?
Walk with your head high. Keep walking. Don’t look back to see if the shadows still look the same.
Keep on walking in the sun.
You are loved, no matter who you are, where you’re at in life, if you’re a church kid or want nothing to do with God, doesn’t matter where you call your home or who you call your family.
What matters is that you’re not enough, but He is.
Today, I gathered together a small list of things that books have taught me.
The Chronicles Of Narnia taught me: -That God is not safe, he is not tame, but he is good.
-Death isn’t the end of the story.
-There is always a plan.
-Betrayers can come back.
-A real leader knows when to follow.
-Some people are meant to be warriors, and others are meant to plan the wars.
The Lord of the Rings taught me:
-That there is always light in the world.
-The smallest people sometimes make the biggest difference.
-People who like to play it safe are still as likely to get called on to go on an adventure.
-If a bunch of dwarves come and eat my food and then ask me to go on an adventure, I should say yes.
-Don’t trust gold.
-If in danger, call the eagles.
-Even the least likable person has a part to play in the end. Sometimes they are the reason good conquers.
Harry Potter taught me: -Kids have a part to play in the wars.
-Your friends become your family.
-The people who seem to be the villain are sometimes the bravest ones there.
-In dreams, we enter a world that is entirely our own.
-Death, to the intellectual mind, is but the next adventure.
-Things are never as they seem, don’t judge too quickly.
-Reading can save your life.
-Love doesn’t die.
The Swipe Series taught me: -Know who your friends are.
-When you find out who they are, keep them close, you’ll need them.
-You’re here for a reason. Find that reason.
-Life is complicated, get used to it.
-Life isn’t fair. Do what you can with your lot.
Ranger’s Apprentice taught me: -People do everything for a reason.
-Tragedy can happen to anyone.
-A normal archer practices until he can hit the target, a Ranger practices until he can’t miss.
-There is always time for a coffee break.
-Sarcastic wit is a skill.
-One riot, one Ranger.
Today I was laying down with my dad on a grassy hill and we were watching the clouds and making pictures out of them. Here’s a list of some of what we saw:
Gandalf Iceland Dragon Old Lady with a Sombrero An Old Bearded Dude (not Gandalf, another one. I have named him Fredrick.) Greenland (I kept seeing countries, I have no idea why!) A Dragon Bird (Or a Bird Dragon) But we began discussing imagination out of this, since I was the one who spotted most of these shapes in the clouds. And we were talking about how when you’re a kid, reality and imagination are hand in hand, you’re always using them. A stick becomes a sword, a tinfoil hat becomes a helmet, your old rocking horse is your majestic steed, and your younger brother is the dragon.
As we get older, we don’t think like that anymore.
Sticks are sticks.
Tinfoil is tinfoil.
Rocking horses are rocking horses.
And brothers are well.. creatures from Mars.
When you become an adult (I’m getting this all from my Dad, I don’t know from experience.) you deal with reality so much that imagination doesn’t really come into play as much as it used to. It’s separated from reality, no longer one and the same.
Here, let me give you an example.
Problem: Someone is stuck on the slide.
What the Child sees and does: Someone got stuck on one of the mighty sea-dragons scales as they slipped down his back, Child thinks. Child picks up a stick and runs at the slide, pretending to chop it’s head off. “You’re free!” He shouts to his friend on the slide, pulling on his hand and getting him out of his predicament. His friend beams and shakes his hand. “Thank you, Sir Brave-A-Lot, you saved me from the evil dragon’s clutches!”
Problem: Someone is stuck on the slide.
What the Adult sees and does: Some kid is stuck on the slide. Adult looks around for their parents, or someone to help them. Finding none, walks over and asks the kid if they may help. Proceeds to give them a small push to get their momentum back.
Children (or people that are constantly still using their imaginations) intertwine reality and fantasy, while most adults or older children keep it separated.
Which is why it was easier for me to find pictures and patterns in the cloud than my dad. Cause I am constantly using my imagination, and he does not as frequently. Now, this is not all to say that we will all lose our imaginations, just that it is second nature to us as children and we begin to have to actively try and use it, instead of just automatically switch.
Well, here I am, look out world cause I’ve got a blog and I’m not afraid to use it! I feel a strange satisfaction. I’ll liken it to that scene in Tangled when Rapunzel finally sets foot on the grass. “I CAN’T BELIEVE I DID THIS!” “Oh my gosh… I can’t believe I did this…” “I CAN’T BELIEVE I FINALLY DID THIS!” Yep, that’s what is going through my head right now.
I’ve been thinking about doing this for the past two months, and I finally took the jump and did it. Wow, this is exciting… Really, this is amazing…
So, even though I’ll mess up and fall on my face every once and a while, if you hold on to your hats and don’t kick me out of the car on the ride there, we could have a lot of fun. Just make sure to wear a seatbelt. You could read about going places, singing to the sea, the feeling of being nauseous in a taxi, everything grand and small.
But NONE, that means zero, nadda, zip, zilch, squat, nothing, of this happens without your support. So are you ready to hold on for your life to your seatbelt as I zoom across the country, not knowing how to use the brakes? Not knowing how to drive or where we’re going? Cause that’s what is happening. It’ll be fun, it’ll be dangerous, I’ll learn stuff and become better. And we might crash, ok, we will crash, and hopefully not get hurt. We will go to some crazy restaurants and wish we had never eaten there before. And I might get kicked out into the back seat. So, who’s ready to go gallivanting through the country? Me.